Friday, November 14, 2014

I did something I was nervous about doing. I showed him my blog here.
I wasn't sure how he'd react, there are so many posts about Royce when we were together and so few about Drayper. Not that Drayper doesn't effect me the way Royce did, but he doesn't...and that's not a bad thing at all.
In fact, I'm grateful for it.
As I mentioned, our relationship is completely different than that of mine with Royce. Its grounding, affirming, caring and with a safe distance that allows us to explore more freely that I've been able to before.
Drayper and I never expected to find anyone we would be close to in SL. At the time we met I had resolved myself to never having the kind of relationship Royce and I had again. I didn't want the emotional attachment anymore. My own RL had recently fallen apart and  I was still reeling from how it affected me and where I was going with my RL.  Drayper has been a constant supporter of my decisions since then. He boosts my esteem when I'm feeling low or stressed out. What we're able to share of our desires reminds me I'm still the same sexual being I've always been.
He asked me today if I've ever fantasized how things would go if we ever were to meet IRL, not that we would or have any desire to do so. I let him know, I never have. I won't.
Royce did something when we were together that knocked me so far off balance that I swore I'd never let myself get sucked that deeply into the fantasy that I couldn't see reality anymore.
SL isn't a replacement for an RL for me. Its a diversion, a release. a creative extension.
My relation with Drayper, although no longer in SL is yet another extension of the same. Its our release and escape from reality.
We're both firmly grounded in our RL's and have no intention of ever meeting IRL. We both know how that can have the potential to screw up everything.
I have to say, I'm happily content with how our relationship has grown, where its taking us and how we have both feet firmly planted on the ground.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Damn, I really miss being in my fantasy world.
SL can be so alluring and so distracting.
Luckily I've managed to keep a great relationship with my current SL partner even outside of our virtual world. Granted, its still a fantasy but the friendship is real enough.
What's so unreal to me is the fantasy roles we've chosen to continue even outside our virtual world. The Dominant and submissive roles sexually but equals as friends and partners.
I so enjoy our encounters regardless of content or context.  We allow each other to delve into our desires just as much as we pick each other's brains.
Most often we tend to chat about anything and everything. Venting everyday frustrations and caring about each other's real life woes and joys. Its those not as frequent dips into those sexual fantasies that reminds us how close we really are regardless of context.
Its strange how we met, stranger still how we found our own way of expressing our sexual desires. Not the typical D/s relationship at all. He recalls the first time I offered my hands to him, wrists held together while I was kneeling in front of him in his chair. He was taking off his tie and I slipped off his lap and offered my wrists to him. He was stunned and completely aroused by the gesture. Since that defining moment our sexual context has developed into one of complete and mutual respect, care and passion.
He's said often how my submission to him took him off guard, he hadn't expected it at all. Even though I'd told him of my submissive nature, even so he took on the role as my Dominant with an ease and gentleness that I have never encountered before. Yes, when in SL I do wear a collar. Not the typical dog collar but one with wings of a raven. It signifies my freedom and my own intelligence. Just as the raven is one of the most intelligent birds, able to remember faces, events, solve puzzles and even invent games. With my Darling, I am free. When I submit to him, he lifts me above all others and allows me to spread my wings. Always aware he is there to safely guide me to the next level. A journey we are taking together.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

How things change...

It's funny how things can change in SL.  One month you can be head-over-heals about someone, the next you have blocked them and all their friends.  Granted, I have not succumb to quite as scandalous drama but I have had my share.  I tend to spout off when I'm upset, venting off frustrations or lambasting something that just doesn't seem right, unfair or that which skirts TOS rules.  I've been banned and blocked a few times, not one of them rescinded and honestly I'm better off.  If I've been blocked or banned it's because I have strong values that clash entirely with the SIM owner's. I stick by my values and have no regrets whatsoever.
But, one of the places in which I was banned did bring me a little joy.  Or should I say, it was where I met someone I never would have thought could become so important in my SL life.
I've been able to let go of my past, look to a future and have balance and peace for the first time in my six years in this crazy virtual world.
Yes, I still hold a place in my heart for Royce, the first person I (Jussy) fell in love with.  One who I can  say I am so happy we are still close friends even though he is gone from SL.  We still talk on a fairly regular basis. He still makes me laugh and is a wonderful support when my RL has taken some very devastating turns.  Although he's not my only support, I have also found a few of the dearest friends I could ever hope for.  Two people who know all the ugly, painful truth about my RL. These two have helped me keep things in perspective, helped me remember I'm worth better and deserve to be happy no matter what or whom is in my life.  
Now, I'm starting a new chapter. After six months of "getting to know" and finding that we have spent nearly every day together, we've decided to "Make it official."   We've gotten partnered, only the second time for me. Both of us have had our ups and downs in SL. He has reinvented himself, dropped every one of his former friends, and put his past behind him.  He has stepped out with a new avi, a new life and even though his original thought was to come in casually with no real ties, everything has changed for him.  I, on the other hand, have remained on my primary avi, with all my scars right there for anyone to see but with my habit of kulling my friends list on a fairly regular basis, along with having been banned from four regions and blocked from several more avi's lives, I had resorted to becoming a hermit.  Alone and having only casual acquaintances. I was sick and tired of the BS and the drama, didn't want anything to do with putting Jussy's heart out there ever again.
Of course, just when you stop looking is when things find you.  Drayper came into my life as the result of a off the cuff idea of a friend to put myself up on a dating auction. I went along with it only on a lark. I expected nothing to come of it and really didn't expect the results that occurred.  The bidding had been started off with a respectable bid by the SIM owner's partner. Granted I knew it was a polite gesture on his part but then my friend decided to up the bid.  What happened next was completely unexpected.  A bidding war resulted between my friend and some mysterious stranger with an even more mysterious profile.  His avi was brand new, only a couple weeks old, the profile pic was of a television character along with his fabricated backstory . Right there, it rubbed me the wrong way. I actually begged my friend to keep bidding, even sending him more $L's just to fend off this stranger. Then, without warning my friend was called away back to RL for a bit.  That gave this stranger the opportunity to sweep in and throw out a winning bid right at the last minute.
I was crushed and a little worried.  I had never met this winner and didn't like what I saw in his profile at all.
When he IM'd me just after the bidding closed and the announcements went out, I wasn't sure what to say.  I put on my aloof attitude and tried to push him off....but there was something about his reply that said there was much more to this mystery guy than his profile advertised. We started chatting and I found myself intrigued and curious.  At one point he told me he was wandering through a gallery looking at the work of one of my favorite SL photographic artists.  When he told me which gallery he was at I had to go meet this guy. I teleported to the gallery and we wandered each of the exhibits, chatting and finding out a bit more about each other.  What I found was there indeed was much more to this guy and I was terribly interested. Our date night came and went and we found ourselves spending all our SL time together.  When he announced he was falling for me I panicked.  I hid from him and removed him from my friends list.  I sent him a notecard with every excuse I could find. None of it worked, it only made him  more interested but willing to talk to me and find out why I was so scared.  He backed off giving me time to breath but didn't let go.  He was not just charming but very dear.  He let me vent and in the end come back to acceptance of where we were.  I told him I wasn't ready to let Jussy fall for anyone but that didn't last long. Jussy found herself falling, slowly.  When Jussy finally returned the adoration I know it took him a bit to adjust as well.
From that point we came to understand where we both were on our RL levels and realized we were pretty much on the same page.  Quite a relief for both of us really.
Six months and a lot of laughs, working out kinks with his animation work and a few hinks with my pc's issues, he brought up the idea of partnering.  Again, Jussy panicked.
Luckily for Drayper he was out of town that weekend and I got to go through my panic mode without him getting the brunt of it.  Instead I turned to my two best friends to help me put things back into perspective and get a grip. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without them.

It's funny how we as RL people behind the screens of our computers put so much real emotion into our avatar-selves.  What's even stranger to the outsider is just how many of us actually blur that line between RL and SL all too often.  Sure, there are those who do find RL love in SL but those who actually make it work outside of our virtual environment are very few and far between.  What's tragic are those who have RL spouses or other-halves and they either leave or are left by those significant others because of the affairs taken on in SL.  What is forgotten, I believe, by the SL'rs of whom this happens to, is that even an emotional affair is still an infidelity to their RL partners. The emotions are so intensely real that it effects their relationships and the RL's suffer for it.
Myself, I too have been effected by the loss of my RL significant other, but I at least know it wasn't because of my involvement in SL.  Instead SL was my escape from the heartbreak already occurring in my RL.  The irony of it all was those same two SL friends who I relied on to help me put my SL relationship into perspective are the same two who helped me make sense of what was happening in my RL.  I also found a very dear RL friend who also knew exactly what I was going through and agrees, SL had nothing to do with it.
I was always honest and open about my doings in SL with my partner.  What occurred was an emotional detachment that happened before I ever came into SL, and a subsequent infidelity on my partner's part that was extremely painful to deal with.
I know that my RL heartbreak and feelings of betrayal had a lot to do with my inability and unwillingness to get involved that closely with anyone even in SL.
I had dumped a lot of my SL friends, refused to explain why and retreated into my own pain for a long time.  Being with Drayper and my dearest of friends has really helped me come to terms with my RL pain, accept things have changed actually for the better and move on in both worlds.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Thoughts on my birthday...

I'd rather have no friends than fake ones. I'd rather be labeled a bitch than be taken advantage of. I'd rather be thought of as cold than be hurt.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Some things never seem to change...

Funny, I noticed my last post here was back in June and I was lamenting my feelings of loss over Royce. The truth is, nothing has changed. He's still not back in SL although he has "stopped by" a couple of times but not since August. I still miss him like crazy. We still chat and text each other, we still laugh, tease, make fun of, pester, annoy and make each other smile. I still worry he works too hard. But nothing changes. 
Yes, I've attempted to move on, chat up other guys, spend more time with my friends, get out, get involved but it doesn't change the fact that I miss him. What's worse is he knows it. He knows how I miss him, think about him, compare other guys to him. I swear he knows when I'm talking to a new guy because undoubtedly my skype will go off and there he is teasing me. Just last night, I had been talking to a guy who I've been chatting with off and on for a couple of weeks now. Last night we decided we need to go on a proper date. We laughed, told each other terrible jokes, spared sci-fi movie and series knowledge, criticized politics and politicians, got to know each other's likes and dislikes...etc. We said "good night" and both logged off. No sooner did I hit that red "X" and my skype pinged. It was Royce, of course. First words off his keyboard? "Slut" (don't get your panties in a twist it's a long standing greeting we've had since we first met. ) Without thinking my typical response came flying across the screen. "Asshole." But I added: "You're nothing but trouble!" To which he replied: "You getting smart with me, Missy?"  and a smiley face. All I could do was laugh. It was as if he knew I was chatting up another guy.
We talked some, mostly spared insults as we often do...never meaning them to be mean or nasty, always in fun. He knows I consider myself "Single" in SL but that doesn't stop him from being part of my life. It's just that its so hard to define anymore.  It's not RL and it's not SL. It's this weird virtual thing that's in a gray area. Is it some kind of GFE for him? *shrugs*  I really can't say. I adore him, no one knows me better than he does. I know I know him better than most, especially better than his last two gf's ever did....and at the same time there's so much we don't know about each other. This is what has put a "Safe zone" around our RL's. We had done that as a means of protecting ourselves from the inevitable "falling for" that always seems to happen in SL...but we both know, even though neither of us will admit it, that we failed.  This is evidenced in that we can't seem to leave each other alone. Neither of us is willing to say "we're over." We care too much about each other, we've never really had a fight, although we did have one minor argument a few weeks ago, but we got over it rather quickly.  He apologized for being an ass and even though I was a little hurt I forgave him even before he said he was sorry. I knew he didn't really have any control over the situation at the time and I was just feeling left out. So, forgiving him was rather easy.  - Anyway -

The truth is, yes, I have it bad for him and I probably will for a long time yet. I can't see how anyone will fill the space he's made in my heart. Even when I was with Daethsyn, Royce still mattered to me. We were still friends, he still would log onto SL to bug me. He still text'd me to "check in." etc. 
No matter what he's my friend and I love that. I don't ever want to lose that, but the other feelings I have for him...well those are just something I have to learn to deal with.
I'm actually oddly ok with it too. Neither of us threaten the other's RL's. We don't have any SL drama. We never actually fight. We don't actually talk about anything that would start an argument. We leave out religion and politics and money because we know those are friendship/relationship killers.  So, we instead reserve each other as "Make me feel good" friends...and I actually like that. 

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Never knew you'd be this important to me

I find myself stunned at just how much I miss him.
Just when I think I can live my SLife without him he shows up and all those feelings for him come rushing back.
I start to flirt with someone or try to accept that he's gone and out of the blue his name pops up on my screen and I drop everything to spend what little time he has with him. I ignore IM's from others, tell those I'm talking to I'll talk to them later, focus my entire world around him.
Yeah, I got it bad.
What sucks the most is he showed up on a Friday night and I know he's never around on weekends so he had limited time - did we say what needed to be said? No.
Did I ask him if he was there just to see if it "felt weird"? No.
Did I ask him if he was coming back? No.
Did I ask him if he wanted me to wait for him? No.
I just asked him to hold me and never let go...
He never did...