Funny, I noticed my last post here was back in June and I was lamenting my feelings of loss over Royce. The truth is, nothing has changed. He's still not back in SL although he has "stopped by" a couple of times but not since August. I still miss him like crazy. We still chat and text each other, we still laugh, tease, make fun of, pester, annoy and make each other smile. I still worry he works too hard. But nothing changes.
Yes, I've attempted to move on, chat up other guys, spend more time with my friends, get out, get involved but it doesn't change the fact that I miss him. What's worse is he knows it. He knows how I miss him, think about him, compare other guys to him. I swear he knows when I'm talking to a new guy because undoubtedly my skype will go off and there he is teasing me. Just last night, I had been talking to a guy who I've been chatting with off and on for a couple of weeks now. Last night we decided we need to go on a proper date. We laughed, told each other terrible jokes, spared sci-fi movie and series knowledge, criticized politics and politicians, got to know each other's likes and dislikes...etc. We said "good night" and both logged off. No sooner did I hit that red "X" and my skype pinged. It was Royce, of course. First words off his keyboard? "Slut" (don't get your panties in a twist it's a long standing greeting we've had since we first met. ) Without thinking my typical response came flying across the screen. "Asshole." But I added: "You're nothing but trouble!" To which he replied: "You getting smart with me, Missy?" and a smiley face. All I could do was laugh. It was as if he knew I was chatting up another guy.
We talked some, mostly spared insults as we often do...never meaning them to be mean or nasty, always in fun. He knows I consider myself "Single" in SL but that doesn't stop him from being part of my life. It's just that its so hard to define anymore. It's not RL and it's not SL. It's this weird virtual thing that's in a gray area. Is it some kind of GFE for him? *shrugs* I really can't say. I adore him, no one knows me better than he does. I know I know him better than most, especially better than his last two gf's ever did....and at the same time there's so much we don't know about each other. This is what has put a "Safe zone" around our RL's. We had done that as a means of protecting ourselves from the inevitable "falling for" that always seems to happen in SL...but we both know, even though neither of us will admit it, that we failed. This is evidenced in that we can't seem to leave each other alone. Neither of us is willing to say "we're over." We care too much about each other, we've never really had a fight, although we did have one minor argument a few weeks ago, but we got over it rather quickly. He apologized for being an ass and even though I was a little hurt I forgave him even before he said he was sorry. I knew he didn't really have any control over the situation at the time and I was just feeling left out. So, forgiving him was rather easy. - Anyway -
The truth is, yes, I have it bad for him and I probably will for a long time yet. I can't see how anyone will fill the space he's made in my heart. Even when I was with Daethsyn, Royce still mattered to me. We were still friends, he still would log onto SL to bug me. He still text'd me to "check in." etc.
No matter what he's my friend and I love that. I don't ever want to lose that, but the other feelings I have for him...well those are just something I have to learn to deal with.
I'm actually oddly ok with it too. Neither of us threaten the other's RL's. We don't have any SL drama. We never actually fight. We don't actually talk about anything that would start an argument. We leave out religion and politics and money because we know those are friendship/relationship killers. So, we instead reserve each other as "Make me feel good" friends...and I actually like that.