Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Still Moving Forward, always better than the alternative...

Had a funny conversation with Royce last night. Most we've said to each other in weeks and it had us both laughing for a change. I miss him terribly and always will, but with no guarantee he'll ever come back I can't live my SLife being miserable waiting for him. I have to move on but still have our friendship that we've cultivated over the past year and a half. He will always have a place in my SLife, just not the same place he's had recently, but if its that we go back to the way we were before - I'd be more than happy with that. He's very special to me and I know I am to him. I won't turn my back on him now or ever. He's always been my rock when I needed a strong shoulder to cry on. Now I get to pay him back and be there for him when he's ready.
Its kind of ironic when I think about it. He always came off as the kinda guy that nothing would get to him, never stressed out, never having a care in the world and never taking anything or anyone too seriously except maybe himself. He always had a huge ego but was never rude about it. He just had a confidence that couldn't be shaken. But...over the past year and a half I've gotten to see that his bravado is an act. He's a sweet, sensitive guy who really gets hurt if someone's upset with him. He really takes it to heart. I don't think he would handle my abandoning him well at all. Even though he can't see that I already feel abandoned by him, I have to keep things in perspective and realize guys don't have the same vantage point we women do. They see things in a very different light and it's usually all about them. Granted it's the one thing that pisses me off the most about men in general, but also one of the most endearing traits. They're almost like children in that regard and you can't blame them for being slaves to their genetics. Royce is no different. He favors himself before anyone else but then, given enough time, he eventually realizes he's not the absolute center of the universe and reaches out to those around him.
I know our friendship has meant a lot to him as it has to me. We gave being a couple a chance, but with his RL issues and my fear of abandonment, it wasn't going to work. It was a beautiful disaster. When it was good it was amazingly good, but when it was bad it was heart wrenching and awful.
He got so hurt when I un-partnered him, I know that had a LOT to do with why he refused to speak to me for the past couple of week. I hope he now realizes I never wanted to but 1: felt like he had already broken up with me & 2: wanted to give him his space to deal with what he needed/s to.
As I've said before, he's very special to me and if I ever find myself "with" someone else down the road, I hope they will understand the unique friendship Royce and I have.

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