Monday, May 14, 2012

Passages of time...

Time moves and things change.
It's a fact of both RL & SL. Even so I find myself unable to move either direction sometimes. I can look back but can't re-live it...but moving forward can seem nearly impossible.
Thus is the case with me right now. I never know where Royce and I stand. One day I think I've had enough waiting around wondering and the very next day, or even later the same evening, I'll get a message from him that makes me think it's worth waiting another day, week or even, and more often than not, another month. He's gone away for long stretches of time before in the past, so one would think I'd be used to it by now. But we were only friends then. We weren't a couple, we didn't involve our hearts or "my" heart at least. Usually right as I'm ready to pack it in and move on he either shows up or txt's me, leaving me with just a teaser or a glimmer of hope that he'll be back soon. Why I put myself though this over and over I'll never know. What's worse is he's not the only guy I've put myself on the back burner for. I did that with Daethsyn too only to have my heart broken into a million tiny pieces. Pieces that Royce wandered behind me picking up. Every time I was hurt, upset or crying over Daethsyn there was Royce, ready to make me smile, tell me I'm not as stupid as I think I am or just listen to me bitch. When we decided to get together he told me he was there to put me back together and let me heal. What started out as him being my rebound guy turned into something neither of us bargained for...we realized we'd fallen for each other over the many months we'd been friends.
So, now while he's gone again I feel helpless and lost at times. Other times I just want to move on and forget him. Other times still I feel like my heart is so full that I can barely contain it.  He knows what I've been through, watched me as I fell apart. Seen me glowing when I've achieved a personal goal. Laughed when I've done something stupid but never once made me feel bad about myself. If anything we've always supported each other, been shoulders for each other to cry on and ears into which to vent. True Friends.
I've never once heard an unkind thing from him that wasn't meant to make me laugh.
He's the most honest, sweet, endearing, giving, supportive friend I've ever had in all my time in SL.
I miss him every single day.
I hate that I don't know whether or not to wait it out or move on...and what's worse is...what if I do move on and he comes back expecting me to be there?
How to do explain myself or my selfishness?
On the other hand, what if he never comes back?
Six weeks and no solid answer one way or the other. Just a lot of "I'm busy" type excuses.
Even when I said to him last week that I'd leave him alone and not bother him again, he fucking laughed at me. He must have thought I was joking, but when I said it, I meant it. Only he broke me of it by not taking me seriously and then leaving me with a crumb of hope again.
Fffffffuuuuuucccckkk....I hate hope.

In other news:
My sister and I are friends again on FB. It's been a few months since we had our tiff over photos that I didn't take and my embarrassment and resulting anger.
I've been reconnecting with old friends I lost in one of my "Crazy Chic" moments of being "delete happy."
I lost a dear friend, not because of any disagreement or even a "cc" moment, but because sadly she has some very real issues that she needs to address. She's brought a lot of her problems upon herself and has attempted to involve me because the other person involved has blocked her. What's worse is this is an RL issue she's brought into SL, exploded it into every one of her friends SLives and now has worked its way into mine. Or at least she's trying to do so. I spoke briefly to the other person involved and asked that person to please deal with her. This person then told me a few other things that I didn't "know" but suspected and he confirmed them all.  I feel so bad that this issue of hers has crossed into SL. For both she and the other person. I feel awful for him that he's her obsession and bad for her that she just can 't seem to let him go.
Seeing her is what always makes me question my logic in waiting for Royce.
I know I should move on, but I have never really found out what he expects from me.
I suspect at some point I'll work up the nerve to just come out and ask him whether he expects me to wait for him or what....idk.
I think sometimes SL affects my thinking. So many relationships start so quickly and end just as swiftly. Hearts are broken within only a matter of hours or days rather than a normal RL pace of weeks and months..even years.
So, every time I think I'm going to move on I have to stop myself and look at it from an RL time passage perspective. Six weeks isn't really all that long in the big picture. But in terms of SL, it's insanely perverse.
In other words, I'm still waiting.

Life in the speed of SL.

Another two weeks later, a few RL photos of our lives but not of ourselves, quips, jokes and fun being poked at each other...and I'm still waiting.
I honestly don't know if he'll ever come back. He really has no reason other than me to come back to SL at all. He's intentionally lost touch with all his friends, dropped all those who he used to keep in contact with, stopped replying to emails and messages from anyone in-world. Anyone, but me...although we're started to drift apart as well.
His last message to me was sent as soon as he woke up for work the first day after the Memorial Day holiday weekend. It was only two words: "Weekend over :("
In two days he's said nothing more. Hasn't responded or even acknowledged my messages to him and I have less and less faith or hope that he will.
It's been hard missing him. Its going to stay being hard until I resolve myself to learn to let go.

The really crappy thing is, I still don't know if he wants me to move on or what. I still can't decide which way I want to go. Yes, I moved in with JD and we're friends, but I encouraged JD to find himself a girl, which he has. I know Ali keeps telling me to move on, but when a relationship is as strong and as passionate as ours was. When it's based so little within SL but more so a long distance relationship between two people who will never meet, never taste each other's lips, feel each other's arms around them, never smell their skin next to theirs. We're aware of it and have accepted that this is all it is, all it's ever going to be. But he's backed away from me, he left me.
Fuck...seeing those words is even harder than I thought. He left me,  HE LEFT ME!

Why can't I seem to accept this?
Why can't I just learn to accept he's not coming back and I NEED to move on?

I think I just need to learn to be comfortable in my own skin. Make my own way and do my best to just simply forget him.

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