Panic be my name.
Learning to trust again is never an easy road. It takes time, patience and a willingness to fight for what you believe in. It means anyone who has to watch you take that journey will watching you battle with yourself and those around you who care about you, even if they've done nothing wrong.
The past couple of weeks I've been a pretty crappy friend to my own sister and to the man who loves me. My sister I bitched out publicly and said some awfully hurtful things about and she'd done nothing wrong. Yes, I realized my mistake and begged her forgiveness...I'm still feeling shitty about it to be honest. My lover I un-partnered because I panicked. I hadn't heard from him in days. He'd made a promise that he wasn't able to keep, but I didn't know what had happened, then he showed up the next day when I wasn't there and seemed upset with me when he was the one who was a day late. Or at least that's my perspective of how it seemed. Then days went by and no word from him at all. Granted, he had given me a project to work on that he had said he wanted to see progress on the next day. I actually completed this task but he never showed up to see my efforts. I was so disappointed because I knew how hard I'd worked on it and he should have known how hard this task was for me to do. (actually he really does know and its another trust issue) But when I didn't hear from him at all, that's when I really panicked. I thought for sure he'd grown bored and simply walked away from me.
Truth was, he had dropped his phone in the sink and it died...plus his RL has been an absolute nightmare lately. I had thought for sure things had finally started to settle down somewhat, but it seems they've only managed to get worse for him. Now I feel like a complete ass for not trusting him...again.
I talked to my sister for quite a bit tonight, we worked out a lot of our drama and hopefully we're moving past it. I know she loves me and I love my sister - she's family and that means the world to me.
No sooner did I finish my talk with my sister and Royce txt's me. Reminding me why I love this man -
"Royce: Nite sexy
Me: Night lover - sweet dreams
Royce: You ok out there?
Me: I'm better knowing you're there. Got a bit panicked when I didn't hear from you, but I'm ok now.
Royce: I'm sorry...damnit grr, grr...Aaaaaaaarrrrrhhhhhhh
Me: Baby, it's ok...I didn't know your phone was out of commission, it happens, I'm ok. :)
Royce: Am I an asshole?
Me: No baby, .... I am.
Royce: I miss u
Me: miss u more
Royce: nope, but we'll take that under advisement. Muwah."
How can I not love this guy? He's going through his own personal hell and he takes the time to make sure I'm ok, that I know I'm loved and that he wants to be with me. How can I take that for granted?
Yes, he really is so much different from anyone I've dated in SL. He's real, honest, straightforward and so caring.
Its kind of funny when I look back at the guy I first met and the impression he gave. He came off as such an asshole, totally in it for his own personal gratification and nothing more. He had several alts that he used for RP'ing (as RP'ers do) but we all know those with several alts also tend to be liars. They're practiced at becoming several different characters and not one of them is the "real" person.
But something also always said there was something different about him. He was always upfront with me. We were able to talk one on one without all the BS. We dropped our facades and were able to just be ourselves with each other. Something I think always bugged the crap out of his ex. But he went through hell with her, so much so that it eventually caused him to leave SL. He encouraged me to find someone who would care about me and he thought I had with Daethsyn. But he kept stopping in to check on me. Always sneaking in on one of his alts and popping into my IM's, scaring the shit out of me usually! lol - but even so, he cared enough to make sure I knew it was him and that I knew he was always looking out after me. Eventually when Daethsyn and I parted ways once and for all Royce was there to comfort me. He was a real friend letting me vent, cry, throw fits and bitch to. He knew what I'd gone through because he'd been there himself.
So when we started dating I was still in a state of disbelief. I guess in a way I still am.
The one man I knew in my heart I'd compared everyone else to and thought for sure I'd never be lucky enough to be with...and now...I am with him. ...and he's everything I'd hoped for and more...but I still have these panic attacks. I self-sabotage on a fairly regular basis and there he is, letting me get through it until I clear enough away to see him there waiting for me. Always with love.
How can I ever deserve him? He's so good for me, good to me. He cares about me like no other ever has. He wishes he was able to have the time to be there like he used to so he could be with me. I know how much I wish he could too, but I also understand he's not able to anymore and I accepted that when we started dating. Sometimes I do wonder if I accepted yet another compromise just so I wouldn't feel lonely, but then I realize no, it was a compromise so I could feel genuine love and joy.
There are acceptable compromises and unacceptable compromises. Accepting Daethsyn's lies and ignoring me most of the time was an unacceptable compromise. Accepting that Royce's RL situation no longer allows him to be in SL as much as he used to be at one time, but that he wishes he could just so he could be with me....that is an acceptable compromise. Knowing when he does login he's there to be with me, for me, not to RP or screw around like he used to, but genuinely there for me. Knowing we talk and txt because he cares, hearing him ask why I don't txt him during the day - I don't because I hate to interrupt his RL - but that he misses me and wants to know I'm with him even if he's not "there" for me at the moment. That's real. That's something that can't be faked or made up. It's not a character flaw or User ID. That's real, honest care. Something I'm just not used to and it's taking me a while to trust in it, in him.
So this episode of "Jussy panics for no reason" has been extinguished with love and caring honesty by this incredible man who loves me regardless.
I'm so not worthy of his love, but I'm working on it. :)