Monday, March 12, 2012

Sometimes Quiet is TOO Quiet...

There are days, times when the feeling I've screwed up somewhere is overwhelming. Usually its a warning signal something is wrong or I overlooked something. Sometimes its just low blood sugar. (lol - but true) Just for the past couple of days I haven't been able to shake the feeling that either I screwed up or there's been something left unsaid with Royce and I. I saw him last on Wednesday, he had given me a task to do and although I completed it I haven't shown proof to him as of yet. Mainly because I don't like doing what he asked and also because he hasn't asked to see the proof. He'd said he would txt throughout the day Thursday, would expect me to 'turn in my assignment' when he asked for it and he would come home early so we could "hang out." Except he never txt'd me at all on Thursday except to say "Good Morning" and that was it. No word from him all day, didn't come home early, didn't even respond when I said "Good night." Friday I still hadn't heard from him until later that evening when he let me know he'd come home early, didn't see me online and chatted to Ali a bit. He didn't say anything else after that. I assumed he crashed early and I'd hear something on Saturday even if it was to have a great weekend.
Saturday came and went without a word, as did Sunday.
It's now Monday morning and I don't know what's happening. If he gets called out of town he usually lets me know. If something came up, he would usually let me know. I haven't heard from him all weekend and barely at all all of last week. Actually since he and I both had arguments with our RL's he's been semi-distant. I have a weird feeling our respective arguments with our RL's were most likely over the same things, although he didn't go into detail nor did he ask for details of my argument, there was this weird sense we both understood each other. I have a feeling this has scared him off a bit.
Granted, I'm not miserable that I haven't heard from him, but I had concerned. I know his work can get crazy at times and I really have never had an issue with that at all. I get it and it's all good. But for him to completely ignore me, to abandon me like this is out of character even for him.
So, I sent him a sweet and not out of character txt greeting this morning. Hopefully he'll either explain what happened or he'll let me know I'm out of line. I'd hate for him to completely ignore me, even though that's highly likely at this point.

I just miss him. I miss our nightly sessions, our laughs, even our quiet time. When someone suddenly stops speaking to you after weeks of constant communication and contact on a daily, even hourly basis, it makes one wonder what's changed. What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently?
Yes, that awful paranoia that accompanies "online" relationships is starting to creep into my relationship with Royce. Even after knowing each other for months and months before "dating" and not having even a lick of drama between us, now suddenly I'm starting to feel left out, ignored, as if he's bored with me already. I can't help it, I'm inherently insecure and ever self-doubting. That's just my nature. I need constant reassurance that I measure up or am doing a good job...when it comes to relationships. Its that need for communication - so when I don't get it, I feel inadequate and lacking. I get paranoid and depressed.
Granted, I know I'm not the only one and my feelings aren't exaggerated in any sense. I'm just being honest. I can't help it.

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