Monday, May 14, 2012
Passages of time...
Time moves and things change.
It's a fact of both RL & SL. Even so I find myself unable to move either direction sometimes. I can look back but can't re-live it...but moving forward can seem nearly impossible.
Thus is the case with me right now. I never know where Royce and I stand. One day I think I've had enough waiting around wondering and the very next day, or even later the same evening, I'll get a message from him that makes me think it's worth waiting another day, week or even, and more often than not, another month. He's gone away for long stretches of time before in the past, so one would think I'd be used to it by now. But we were only friends then. We weren't a couple, we didn't involve our hearts or "my" heart at least. Usually right as I'm ready to pack it in and move on he either shows up or txt's me, leaving me with just a teaser or a glimmer of hope that he'll be back soon. Why I put myself though this over and over I'll never know. What's worse is he's not the only guy I've put myself on the back burner for. I did that with Daethsyn too only to have my heart broken into a million tiny pieces. Pieces that Royce wandered behind me picking up. Every time I was hurt, upset or crying over Daethsyn there was Royce, ready to make me smile, tell me I'm not as stupid as I think I am or just listen to me bitch. When we decided to get together he told me he was there to put me back together and let me heal. What started out as him being my rebound guy turned into something neither of us bargained for...we realized we'd fallen for each other over the many months we'd been friends.
So, now while he's gone again I feel helpless and lost at times. Other times I just want to move on and forget him. Other times still I feel like my heart is so full that I can barely contain it. He knows what I've been through, watched me as I fell apart. Seen me glowing when I've achieved a personal goal. Laughed when I've done something stupid but never once made me feel bad about myself. If anything we've always supported each other, been shoulders for each other to cry on and ears into which to vent. True Friends.
I've never once heard an unkind thing from him that wasn't meant to make me laugh.
He's the most honest, sweet, endearing, giving, supportive friend I've ever had in all my time in SL.
I miss him every single day.
I hate that I don't know whether or not to wait it out or move on...and what's worse is...what if I do move on and he comes back expecting me to be there?
How to do explain myself or my selfishness?
On the other hand, what if he never comes back?
Six weeks and no solid answer one way or the other. Just a lot of "I'm busy" type excuses.
Even when I said to him last week that I'd leave him alone and not bother him again, he fucking laughed at me. He must have thought I was joking, but when I said it, I meant it. Only he broke me of it by not taking me seriously and then leaving me with a crumb of hope again.
Fffffffuuuuuucccckkk....I hate hope.
In other news:
My sister and I are friends again on FB. It's been a few months since we had our tiff over photos that I didn't take and my embarrassment and resulting anger.
I've been reconnecting with old friends I lost in one of my "Crazy Chic" moments of being "delete happy."
I lost a dear friend, not because of any disagreement or even a "cc" moment, but because sadly she has some very real issues that she needs to address. She's brought a lot of her problems upon herself and has attempted to involve me because the other person involved has blocked her. What's worse is this is an RL issue she's brought into SL, exploded it into every one of her friends SLives and now has worked its way into mine. Or at least she's trying to do so. I spoke briefly to the other person involved and asked that person to please deal with her. This person then told me a few other things that I didn't "know" but suspected and he confirmed them all. I feel so bad that this issue of hers has crossed into SL. For both she and the other person. I feel awful for him that he's her obsession and bad for her that she just can 't seem to let him go.
Seeing her is what always makes me question my logic in waiting for Royce.
I know I should move on, but I have never really found out what he expects from me.
I suspect at some point I'll work up the nerve to just come out and ask him whether he expects me to wait for him or what....idk.
I think sometimes SL affects my thinking. So many relationships start so quickly and end just as swiftly. Hearts are broken within only a matter of hours or days rather than a normal RL pace of weeks and months..even years.
So, every time I think I'm going to move on I have to stop myself and look at it from an RL time passage perspective. Six weeks isn't really all that long in the big picture. But in terms of SL, it's insanely perverse.
In other words, I'm still waiting.
Life in the speed of SL.
Insanity
Another two weeks later, a few RL photos of our lives but not of ourselves, quips, jokes and fun being poked at each other...and I'm still waiting.
I honestly don't know if he'll ever come back. He really has no reason other than me to come back to SL at all. He's intentionally lost touch with all his friends, dropped all those who he used to keep in contact with, stopped replying to emails and messages from anyone in-world. Anyone, but me...although we're started to drift apart as well.
His last message to me was sent as soon as he woke up for work the first day after the Memorial Day holiday weekend. It was only two words: "Weekend over :("
In two days he's said nothing more. Hasn't responded or even acknowledged my messages to him and I have less and less faith or hope that he will.
It's been hard missing him. Its going to stay being hard until I resolve myself to learn to let go.
The really crappy thing is, I still don't know if he wants me to move on or what. I still can't decide which way I want to go. Yes, I moved in with JD and we're friends, but I encouraged JD to find himself a girl, which he has. I know Ali keeps telling me to move on, but when a relationship is as strong and as passionate as ours was. When it's based so little within SL but more so a long distance relationship between two people who will never meet, never taste each other's lips, feel each other's arms around them, never smell their skin next to theirs. We're aware of it and have accepted that this is all it is, all it's ever going to be. But he's backed away from me, he left me.
Fuck...seeing those words is even harder than I thought. He left me, HE LEFT ME!
Why can't I seem to accept this?
Why can't I just learn to accept he's not coming back and I NEED to move on?
*sighs*
I think I just need to learn to be comfortable in my own skin. Make my own way and do my best to just simply forget him.
It's a fact of both RL & SL. Even so I find myself unable to move either direction sometimes. I can look back but can't re-live it...but moving forward can seem nearly impossible.
Thus is the case with me right now. I never know where Royce and I stand. One day I think I've had enough waiting around wondering and the very next day, or even later the same evening, I'll get a message from him that makes me think it's worth waiting another day, week or even, and more often than not, another month. He's gone away for long stretches of time before in the past, so one would think I'd be used to it by now. But we were only friends then. We weren't a couple, we didn't involve our hearts or "my" heart at least. Usually right as I'm ready to pack it in and move on he either shows up or txt's me, leaving me with just a teaser or a glimmer of hope that he'll be back soon. Why I put myself though this over and over I'll never know. What's worse is he's not the only guy I've put myself on the back burner for. I did that with Daethsyn too only to have my heart broken into a million tiny pieces. Pieces that Royce wandered behind me picking up. Every time I was hurt, upset or crying over Daethsyn there was Royce, ready to make me smile, tell me I'm not as stupid as I think I am or just listen to me bitch. When we decided to get together he told me he was there to put me back together and let me heal. What started out as him being my rebound guy turned into something neither of us bargained for...we realized we'd fallen for each other over the many months we'd been friends.
So, now while he's gone again I feel helpless and lost at times. Other times I just want to move on and forget him. Other times still I feel like my heart is so full that I can barely contain it. He knows what I've been through, watched me as I fell apart. Seen me glowing when I've achieved a personal goal. Laughed when I've done something stupid but never once made me feel bad about myself. If anything we've always supported each other, been shoulders for each other to cry on and ears into which to vent. True Friends.
I've never once heard an unkind thing from him that wasn't meant to make me laugh.
He's the most honest, sweet, endearing, giving, supportive friend I've ever had in all my time in SL.
I miss him every single day.
I hate that I don't know whether or not to wait it out or move on...and what's worse is...what if I do move on and he comes back expecting me to be there?
How to do explain myself or my selfishness?
On the other hand, what if he never comes back?
Six weeks and no solid answer one way or the other. Just a lot of "I'm busy" type excuses.
Even when I said to him last week that I'd leave him alone and not bother him again, he fucking laughed at me. He must have thought I was joking, but when I said it, I meant it. Only he broke me of it by not taking me seriously and then leaving me with a crumb of hope again.
Fffffffuuuuuucccckkk....I hate hope.
In other news:
My sister and I are friends again on FB. It's been a few months since we had our tiff over photos that I didn't take and my embarrassment and resulting anger.
I've been reconnecting with old friends I lost in one of my "Crazy Chic" moments of being "delete happy."
I lost a dear friend, not because of any disagreement or even a "cc" moment, but because sadly she has some very real issues that she needs to address. She's brought a lot of her problems upon herself and has attempted to involve me because the other person involved has blocked her. What's worse is this is an RL issue she's brought into SL, exploded it into every one of her friends SLives and now has worked its way into mine. Or at least she's trying to do so. I spoke briefly to the other person involved and asked that person to please deal with her. This person then told me a few other things that I didn't "know" but suspected and he confirmed them all. I feel so bad that this issue of hers has crossed into SL. For both she and the other person. I feel awful for him that he's her obsession and bad for her that she just can 't seem to let him go.
Seeing her is what always makes me question my logic in waiting for Royce.
I know I should move on, but I have never really found out what he expects from me.
I suspect at some point I'll work up the nerve to just come out and ask him whether he expects me to wait for him or what....idk.
I think sometimes SL affects my thinking. So many relationships start so quickly and end just as swiftly. Hearts are broken within only a matter of hours or days rather than a normal RL pace of weeks and months..even years.
So, every time I think I'm going to move on I have to stop myself and look at it from an RL time passage perspective. Six weeks isn't really all that long in the big picture. But in terms of SL, it's insanely perverse.
In other words, I'm still waiting.
Life in the speed of SL.
Insanity
Another two weeks later, a few RL photos of our lives but not of ourselves, quips, jokes and fun being poked at each other...and I'm still waiting.
I honestly don't know if he'll ever come back. He really has no reason other than me to come back to SL at all. He's intentionally lost touch with all his friends, dropped all those who he used to keep in contact with, stopped replying to emails and messages from anyone in-world. Anyone, but me...although we're started to drift apart as well.
His last message to me was sent as soon as he woke up for work the first day after the Memorial Day holiday weekend. It was only two words: "Weekend over :("
In two days he's said nothing more. Hasn't responded or even acknowledged my messages to him and I have less and less faith or hope that he will.
It's been hard missing him. Its going to stay being hard until I resolve myself to learn to let go.
The really crappy thing is, I still don't know if he wants me to move on or what. I still can't decide which way I want to go. Yes, I moved in with JD and we're friends, but I encouraged JD to find himself a girl, which he has. I know Ali keeps telling me to move on, but when a relationship is as strong and as passionate as ours was. When it's based so little within SL but more so a long distance relationship between two people who will never meet, never taste each other's lips, feel each other's arms around them, never smell their skin next to theirs. We're aware of it and have accepted that this is all it is, all it's ever going to be. But he's backed away from me, he left me.
Fuck...seeing those words is even harder than I thought. He left me, HE LEFT ME!
Why can't I seem to accept this?
Why can't I just learn to accept he's not coming back and I NEED to move on?
*sighs*
I think I just need to learn to be comfortable in my own skin. Make my own way and do my best to just simply forget him.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Still Moving Forward, always better than the alternative...
Had a funny conversation with Royce last night. Most we've said to each other in weeks and it had us both laughing for a change. I miss him terribly and always will, but with no guarantee he'll ever come back I can't live my SLife being miserable waiting for him. I have to move on but still have our friendship that we've cultivated over the past year and a half. He will always have a place in my SLife, just not the same place he's had recently, but if its that we go back to the way we were before - I'd be more than happy with that. He's very special to me and I know I am to him. I won't turn my back on him now or ever. He's always been my rock when I needed a strong shoulder to cry on. Now I get to pay him back and be there for him when he's ready.
Its kind of ironic when I think about it. He always came off as the kinda guy that nothing would get to him, never stressed out, never having a care in the world and never taking anything or anyone too seriously except maybe himself. He always had a huge ego but was never rude about it. He just had a confidence that couldn't be shaken. But...over the past year and a half I've gotten to see that his bravado is an act. He's a sweet, sensitive guy who really gets hurt if someone's upset with him. He really takes it to heart. I don't think he would handle my abandoning him well at all. Even though he can't see that I already feel abandoned by him, I have to keep things in perspective and realize guys don't have the same vantage point we women do. They see things in a very different light and it's usually all about them. Granted it's the one thing that pisses me off the most about men in general, but also one of the most endearing traits. They're almost like children in that regard and you can't blame them for being slaves to their genetics. Royce is no different. He favors himself before anyone else but then, given enough time, he eventually realizes he's not the absolute center of the universe and reaches out to those around him.
I know our friendship has meant a lot to him as it has to me. We gave being a couple a chance, but with his RL issues and my fear of abandonment, it wasn't going to work. It was a beautiful disaster. When it was good it was amazingly good, but when it was bad it was heart wrenching and awful.
He got so hurt when I un-partnered him, I know that had a LOT to do with why he refused to speak to me for the past couple of week. I hope he now realizes I never wanted to but 1: felt like he had already broken up with me & 2: wanted to give him his space to deal with what he needed/s to.
As I've said before, he's very special to me and if I ever find myself "with" someone else down the road, I hope they will understand the unique friendship Royce and I have.
Its kind of ironic when I think about it. He always came off as the kinda guy that nothing would get to him, never stressed out, never having a care in the world and never taking anything or anyone too seriously except maybe himself. He always had a huge ego but was never rude about it. He just had a confidence that couldn't be shaken. But...over the past year and a half I've gotten to see that his bravado is an act. He's a sweet, sensitive guy who really gets hurt if someone's upset with him. He really takes it to heart. I don't think he would handle my abandoning him well at all. Even though he can't see that I already feel abandoned by him, I have to keep things in perspective and realize guys don't have the same vantage point we women do. They see things in a very different light and it's usually all about them. Granted it's the one thing that pisses me off the most about men in general, but also one of the most endearing traits. They're almost like children in that regard and you can't blame them for being slaves to their genetics. Royce is no different. He favors himself before anyone else but then, given enough time, he eventually realizes he's not the absolute center of the universe and reaches out to those around him.
I know our friendship has meant a lot to him as it has to me. We gave being a couple a chance, but with his RL issues and my fear of abandonment, it wasn't going to work. It was a beautiful disaster. When it was good it was amazingly good, but when it was bad it was heart wrenching and awful.
He got so hurt when I un-partnered him, I know that had a LOT to do with why he refused to speak to me for the past couple of week. I hope he now realizes I never wanted to but 1: felt like he had already broken up with me & 2: wanted to give him his space to deal with what he needed/s to.
As I've said before, he's very special to me and if I ever find myself "with" someone else down the road, I hope they will understand the unique friendship Royce and I have.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Where to go from here...
It's been ages since Royce and I caught up with each other. I last had any kind of what could be considered to be a "conversation" with him weeks ago. We still pass text messages back and forth some, usually just daily "hello" or "good night" type stuff. But those at least keep us connected and let us know we're thinking of the other. It doesn't make the loneliness any less, but it's something to hold onto until the next crumb.
I even picked up a extra part-time job working nights so I could curb the loneliness left behind. It hasn't helped. Actually its made it worse. Last night Royce sent a message while I was working. I didn't catch it until nearly two hours after he sent it, after he'd gone to bed. He wanted to talk and I wasn't there. Granted, I shouldn't be all that broken up about it. Its not as if he hasn't done the same to me repeatedly. I just felt so empty when I knew he wouldn't get my response until the next morning and even then he wouldn't be able to reply back again.
I've decided to quit this new job which for me is completely out of character. I don't "test drive" jobs regardless of how unimportant it is to me, it's important to the employer and his/her customers/clients...etc...that's why he/she needed someone to fill the position. I have always had a weird sense of responsibility when I take on any job. This one though, has only served to make me more miserable and more lonely. It's purpose backfired and I'm horribly depressed about it. My RL actually was the one to suggest I leave this job. Even my RL saw how awful a mood it put me in. No job is worth that. Especially a new one. So, I'm putting in my required 30day notice tonight after not even having been at this job a full week. Yeah, that's gonna look great on a resume...NOT. I don't care really. I just want out of this nightmare!
Note to self: Don't take on a part-time filler job that requires you to sacrifice your sanity.
My RL even said if a certain issue clears itself up, I might even be able to take the $500 breach of contract hit and not have to worry. That would be nice so I could move on without prolonging this insanity any longer than necessary.
Well, I'd continue on with more of an update if it wasn't that time. Yup, time to go be lonely and self-loathing again. (Get ready for work that is)
I even picked up a extra part-time job working nights so I could curb the loneliness left behind. It hasn't helped. Actually its made it worse. Last night Royce sent a message while I was working. I didn't catch it until nearly two hours after he sent it, after he'd gone to bed. He wanted to talk and I wasn't there. Granted, I shouldn't be all that broken up about it. Its not as if he hasn't done the same to me repeatedly. I just felt so empty when I knew he wouldn't get my response until the next morning and even then he wouldn't be able to reply back again.
I've decided to quit this new job which for me is completely out of character. I don't "test drive" jobs regardless of how unimportant it is to me, it's important to the employer and his/her customers/clients...etc...that's why he/she needed someone to fill the position. I have always had a weird sense of responsibility when I take on any job. This one though, has only served to make me more miserable and more lonely. It's purpose backfired and I'm horribly depressed about it. My RL actually was the one to suggest I leave this job. Even my RL saw how awful a mood it put me in. No job is worth that. Especially a new one. So, I'm putting in my required 30day notice tonight after not even having been at this job a full week. Yeah, that's gonna look great on a resume...NOT. I don't care really. I just want out of this nightmare!
Note to self: Don't take on a part-time filler job that requires you to sacrifice your sanity.
My RL even said if a certain issue clears itself up, I might even be able to take the $500 breach of contract hit and not have to worry. That would be nice so I could move on without prolonging this insanity any longer than necessary.
Well, I'd continue on with more of an update if it wasn't that time. Yup, time to go be lonely and self-loathing again. (Get ready for work that is)
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Moving forward or just sideways, but at least it's movement.
Sometimes you just have to wonder what its all about anyway. Honestly, there really is no point to SL but we muddle through and incorporate it into our daily lives anyway. Some of us depend on it, some of us take it as an escape, some of us could take it or leave it. Either way it's here in our lives and our interactions with others affect their lives in some way.
In my 4.5yrs in and out of SL I still can't claim to be an expert at it by any stretch. Heck, just like RL its ever changing. Friends come and go, jobs, interests even love. Sometimes there are those you can't seem to shake because their affect on you or your SLife was so profound you think of them in everything you do. I have a few of those ghosts in my SLife as well. Royce being one of them, as many of my closest friends know already. They have seen how no matter what happens in my Slife he's always a part of it. Directly or indirectly I've made sure to include him in all my decisions and without thinking. I still haven't sorted out how the hell he managed to get inside my head like he has let alone how to get him out. I'm not even all that sure I want to at this point. He's always been a part of my Slife from the moment I started Jussy's avi. No matter where I go, who I'm with, what I'm doing, Royce and his alts seem to find their way back to me. One would also think that with his habit of disappearing as often as he does that I either wouldn't involve myself with him and simply enjoy the fact he is one of my friends - or - I'd at least be used to the fact he does disappear and stop panicking when he does. He always returns and always to me.
I don't know how our connection started or why, really. I know we have been good friends and have been there for each other when things got rough.
But - I can't help but wonder: "What now?" I let myself get wrapped up in him. Turned my focus from all things SL to him when I was at my lowest...and now, I can't seem to let go enough to let things get comfortable again. I know I need to let loosen that grip and just let myself refocus back to everything else in SL, but it's really hard. I've found myself waking up in the middle of the night unable to get back to sleep because some random thought of him won't leave me alone. I find some nights I can't sleep at all. Days go by and all I want is that friend I used to know who I could talk to without holding back. I miss that version of us.
As far as other parts of my SLife, things are seeming to go a bit sideways there too. I don't speak to my sister anymore, or should I say "we" don't speak anymore. I stopped trying and she quit giving a crap. So, we go about our daily SLives ignoring each other. Sad really. I miss my sister something awful but she's too wrapped up in her fake family, her club (yeah a so-so venue for live music) and whatever other "new" friends she has. She's too busy for the one person who brought her into SL - but I'm not bitter. Pft
I also have to laugh at how funny SLife can be. They say: "What goes around, comes around." And in many instances that's so true. None truer than the karma that's biting Stephanie Steamweaver in the ass lately. DT it seems is losing a lot of good people. Steph lost her vision and is so desperate for $L's she trolls other venues, group chats and clubs in a desperate attempt to lure money into her place. The only problem is, no one has any! Not really. Not those of us who regularly are in SL. Those who do aren't in SL all that much anymore because they're so turned off by all the in-fighting and drama created by the regular residents. Either way, DT is barely hanging on.
On a slightly sideways note, there's talk of other Voice SIM venues thinking of making a go of it. Granted, not primarily sex related, which honestly is a good thing, but voice Sim's none the less. These seem to sound like they're going to be more friendly and personal, more "good time for all" oriented. I say: "Rock on"
Lastly: The fate of Hoodie Ninja Photography.
As many of you know I've had a rough go lately trying to keep it afloat. Lack of paying clients and Royce who's disappearing act also meant tiers fell onto me...means it's hit or miss if I have a place from one week to the next. At the moment I'm subsisting on the kindness of a friend who I don't expect to continue to keep being as generous as he is. I'm not a whore so he's getting nothing in return for his investment other than my friendship. Plus he's sorta-kinda-maybe dating my neighbor. (lol) Long story there and I won't explain since even Royce is confused.
For now, that's it. I'll continue to post pics on Flickr, Koinup, FB and my Hoodieninjaphoto.webs.com site.
If anyone needs or would like a professional pic done, or a series...hit me up sometime. I'm usually available.
In my 4.5yrs in and out of SL I still can't claim to be an expert at it by any stretch. Heck, just like RL its ever changing. Friends come and go, jobs, interests even love. Sometimes there are those you can't seem to shake because their affect on you or your SLife was so profound you think of them in everything you do. I have a few of those ghosts in my SLife as well. Royce being one of them, as many of my closest friends know already. They have seen how no matter what happens in my Slife he's always a part of it. Directly or indirectly I've made sure to include him in all my decisions and without thinking. I still haven't sorted out how the hell he managed to get inside my head like he has let alone how to get him out. I'm not even all that sure I want to at this point. He's always been a part of my Slife from the moment I started Jussy's avi. No matter where I go, who I'm with, what I'm doing, Royce and his alts seem to find their way back to me. One would also think that with his habit of disappearing as often as he does that I either wouldn't involve myself with him and simply enjoy the fact he is one of my friends - or - I'd at least be used to the fact he does disappear and stop panicking when he does. He always returns and always to me.
I don't know how our connection started or why, really. I know we have been good friends and have been there for each other when things got rough.
But - I can't help but wonder: "What now?" I let myself get wrapped up in him. Turned my focus from all things SL to him when I was at my lowest...and now, I can't seem to let go enough to let things get comfortable again. I know I need to let loosen that grip and just let myself refocus back to everything else in SL, but it's really hard. I've found myself waking up in the middle of the night unable to get back to sleep because some random thought of him won't leave me alone. I find some nights I can't sleep at all. Days go by and all I want is that friend I used to know who I could talk to without holding back. I miss that version of us.
As far as other parts of my SLife, things are seeming to go a bit sideways there too. I don't speak to my sister anymore, or should I say "we" don't speak anymore. I stopped trying and she quit giving a crap. So, we go about our daily SLives ignoring each other. Sad really. I miss my sister something awful but she's too wrapped up in her fake family, her club (yeah a so-so venue for live music) and whatever other "new" friends she has. She's too busy for the one person who brought her into SL - but I'm not bitter. Pft
I also have to laugh at how funny SLife can be. They say: "What goes around, comes around." And in many instances that's so true. None truer than the karma that's biting Stephanie Steamweaver in the ass lately. DT it seems is losing a lot of good people. Steph lost her vision and is so desperate for $L's she trolls other venues, group chats and clubs in a desperate attempt to lure money into her place. The only problem is, no one has any! Not really. Not those of us who regularly are in SL. Those who do aren't in SL all that much anymore because they're so turned off by all the in-fighting and drama created by the regular residents. Either way, DT is barely hanging on.
On a slightly sideways note, there's talk of other Voice SIM venues thinking of making a go of it. Granted, not primarily sex related, which honestly is a good thing, but voice Sim's none the less. These seem to sound like they're going to be more friendly and personal, more "good time for all" oriented. I say: "Rock on"
Lastly: The fate of Hoodie Ninja Photography.
As many of you know I've had a rough go lately trying to keep it afloat. Lack of paying clients and Royce who's disappearing act also meant tiers fell onto me...means it's hit or miss if I have a place from one week to the next. At the moment I'm subsisting on the kindness of a friend who I don't expect to continue to keep being as generous as he is. I'm not a whore so he's getting nothing in return for his investment other than my friendship. Plus he's sorta-kinda-maybe dating my neighbor. (lol) Long story there and I won't explain since even Royce is confused.
For now, that's it. I'll continue to post pics on Flickr, Koinup, FB and my Hoodieninjaphoto.webs.com site.
If anyone needs or would like a professional pic done, or a series...hit me up sometime. I'm usually available.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Of Morphing and Poorly proportioned Avis...
AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously folks, what is wrong with you people?
Ugh!
Ok, to decide which to attack, bemoan and/or complain about first, that is the real question.
Ok, let's run with title order: Morphing
As an SL photographer I absolutely, without question, lacking any and all hesitation cannot abide MORPHING!
It cheapens the art of photography in Second Life, makes a mockery of Real Life and makes everyone look as if there's either something horrifically wrong with either one's viewer or worse yet, their vision! The proportions are all wrong, the coloring off, the body sizes and shapes grotesque!
...and speaking of grotesque! What is up with those avi's with no hips? Ok...no, let me be more specific if I can. They have hips, but they have no pelvis! Wide-ass hips and no pelvis to hold their avi above their stupidly over-sized thighs or pencil thin, chicken legs!
Sure, I get it, it's SL. It's supposed to be a fantasy but if you're going to have a "human" avi would it really be too much to ask for you to at least have HUMAN proportions too...or at least the resemblance of human proportions in any case. Sure, my own avi is a bit off the "human proportions" chart being that she's 8 feet tall, but at least my hips, shoulders, pelvis, legs and even my ass are in direct correlation to the height. I don't look as if I'm some half-assed, not even done well, Americanized version of what can only be assumed to be some weird take on anime'. And has anyone else noticed these avi's all have stupid fat lips? Yeah, another twist on cartoons I assume.
I'm sorry if my rant offends anyone reading this but I just had to get it off my chest.
I go through the postings on the "Photography: Second Life" Facebook page and I just have to wonder how anyone can be proud of these looks. Or at least I guess they're a look of some sort.
Seriously folks, what is wrong with you people?
Ugh!
Ok, to decide which to attack, bemoan and/or complain about first, that is the real question.
Ok, let's run with title order: Morphing
As an SL photographer I absolutely, without question, lacking any and all hesitation cannot abide MORPHING!
It cheapens the art of photography in Second Life, makes a mockery of Real Life and makes everyone look as if there's either something horrifically wrong with either one's viewer or worse yet, their vision! The proportions are all wrong, the coloring off, the body sizes and shapes grotesque!
...and speaking of grotesque! What is up with those avi's with no hips? Ok...no, let me be more specific if I can. They have hips, but they have no pelvis! Wide-ass hips and no pelvis to hold their avi above their stupidly over-sized thighs or pencil thin, chicken legs!
Sure, I get it, it's SL. It's supposed to be a fantasy but if you're going to have a "human" avi would it really be too much to ask for you to at least have HUMAN proportions too...or at least the resemblance of human proportions in any case. Sure, my own avi is a bit off the "human proportions" chart being that she's 8 feet tall, but at least my hips, shoulders, pelvis, legs and even my ass are in direct correlation to the height. I don't look as if I'm some half-assed, not even done well, Americanized version of what can only be assumed to be some weird take on anime'. And has anyone else noticed these avi's all have stupid fat lips? Yeah, another twist on cartoons I assume.
I'm sorry if my rant offends anyone reading this but I just had to get it off my chest.
I go through the postings on the "Photography: Second Life" Facebook page and I just have to wonder how anyone can be proud of these looks. Or at least I guess they're a look of some sort.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Learning to eat Crow, with a smile...
Panic be my name.
Learning to trust again is never an easy road. It takes time, patience and a willingness to fight for what you believe in. It means anyone who has to watch you take that journey will watching you battle with yourself and those around you who care about you, even if they've done nothing wrong.
The past couple of weeks I've been a pretty crappy friend to my own sister and to the man who loves me. My sister I bitched out publicly and said some awfully hurtful things about and she'd done nothing wrong. Yes, I realized my mistake and begged her forgiveness...I'm still feeling shitty about it to be honest. My lover I un-partnered because I panicked. I hadn't heard from him in days. He'd made a promise that he wasn't able to keep, but I didn't know what had happened, then he showed up the next day when I wasn't there and seemed upset with me when he was the one who was a day late. Or at least that's my perspective of how it seemed. Then days went by and no word from him at all. Granted, he had given me a project to work on that he had said he wanted to see progress on the next day. I actually completed this task but he never showed up to see my efforts. I was so disappointed because I knew how hard I'd worked on it and he should have known how hard this task was for me to do. (actually he really does know and its another trust issue) But when I didn't hear from him at all, that's when I really panicked. I thought for sure he'd grown bored and simply walked away from me.
Truth was, he had dropped his phone in the sink and it died...plus his RL has been an absolute nightmare lately. I had thought for sure things had finally started to settle down somewhat, but it seems they've only managed to get worse for him. Now I feel like a complete ass for not trusting him...again.
I talked to my sister for quite a bit tonight, we worked out a lot of our drama and hopefully we're moving past it. I know she loves me and I love my sister - she's family and that means the world to me.
No sooner did I finish my talk with my sister and Royce txt's me. Reminding me why I love this man -
"Royce: Nite sexy
Me: Night lover - sweet dreams
Royce: You ok out there?
Me: I'm better knowing you're there. Got a bit panicked when I didn't hear from you, but I'm ok now.
Royce: I'm sorry...damnit grr, grr...Aaaaaaaarrrrrhhhhhhh
Me: Baby, it's ok...I didn't know your phone was out of commission, it happens, I'm ok. :)
Royce: Am I an asshole?
Me: No baby, .... I am.
Royce: I miss u
Me: miss u more
Royce: nope, but we'll take that under advisement. Muwah."
How can I not love this guy? He's going through his own personal hell and he takes the time to make sure I'm ok, that I know I'm loved and that he wants to be with me. How can I take that for granted?
Yes, he really is so much different from anyone I've dated in SL. He's real, honest, straightforward and so caring.
Its kind of funny when I look back at the guy I first met and the impression he gave. He came off as such an asshole, totally in it for his own personal gratification and nothing more. He had several alts that he used for RP'ing (as RP'ers do) but we all know those with several alts also tend to be liars. They're practiced at becoming several different characters and not one of them is the "real" person.
But something also always said there was something different about him. He was always upfront with me. We were able to talk one on one without all the BS. We dropped our facades and were able to just be ourselves with each other. Something I think always bugged the crap out of his ex. But he went through hell with her, so much so that it eventually caused him to leave SL. He encouraged me to find someone who would care about me and he thought I had with Daethsyn. But he kept stopping in to check on me. Always sneaking in on one of his alts and popping into my IM's, scaring the shit out of me usually! lol - but even so, he cared enough to make sure I knew it was him and that I knew he was always looking out after me. Eventually when Daethsyn and I parted ways once and for all Royce was there to comfort me. He was a real friend letting me vent, cry, throw fits and bitch to. He knew what I'd gone through because he'd been there himself.
So when we started dating I was still in a state of disbelief. I guess in a way I still am.
The one man I knew in my heart I'd compared everyone else to and thought for sure I'd never be lucky enough to be with...and now...I am with him. ...and he's everything I'd hoped for and more...but I still have these panic attacks. I self-sabotage on a fairly regular basis and there he is, letting me get through it until I clear enough away to see him there waiting for me. Always with love.
How can I ever deserve him? He's so good for me, good to me. He cares about me like no other ever has. He wishes he was able to have the time to be there like he used to so he could be with me. I know how much I wish he could too, but I also understand he's not able to anymore and I accepted that when we started dating. Sometimes I do wonder if I accepted yet another compromise just so I wouldn't feel lonely, but then I realize no, it was a compromise so I could feel genuine love and joy.
There are acceptable compromises and unacceptable compromises. Accepting Daethsyn's lies and ignoring me most of the time was an unacceptable compromise. Accepting that Royce's RL situation no longer allows him to be in SL as much as he used to be at one time, but that he wishes he could just so he could be with me....that is an acceptable compromise. Knowing when he does login he's there to be with me, for me, not to RP or screw around like he used to, but genuinely there for me. Knowing we talk and txt because he cares, hearing him ask why I don't txt him during the day - I don't because I hate to interrupt his RL - but that he misses me and wants to know I'm with him even if he's not "there" for me at the moment. That's real. That's something that can't be faked or made up. It's not a character flaw or User ID. That's real, honest care. Something I'm just not used to and it's taking me a while to trust in it, in him.
So this episode of "Jussy panics for no reason" has been extinguished with love and caring honesty by this incredible man who loves me regardless.
I'm so not worthy of his love, but I'm working on it. :)
Learning to trust again is never an easy road. It takes time, patience and a willingness to fight for what you believe in. It means anyone who has to watch you take that journey will watching you battle with yourself and those around you who care about you, even if they've done nothing wrong.
The past couple of weeks I've been a pretty crappy friend to my own sister and to the man who loves me. My sister I bitched out publicly and said some awfully hurtful things about and she'd done nothing wrong. Yes, I realized my mistake and begged her forgiveness...I'm still feeling shitty about it to be honest. My lover I un-partnered because I panicked. I hadn't heard from him in days. He'd made a promise that he wasn't able to keep, but I didn't know what had happened, then he showed up the next day when I wasn't there and seemed upset with me when he was the one who was a day late. Or at least that's my perspective of how it seemed. Then days went by and no word from him at all. Granted, he had given me a project to work on that he had said he wanted to see progress on the next day. I actually completed this task but he never showed up to see my efforts. I was so disappointed because I knew how hard I'd worked on it and he should have known how hard this task was for me to do. (actually he really does know and its another trust issue) But when I didn't hear from him at all, that's when I really panicked. I thought for sure he'd grown bored and simply walked away from me.
Truth was, he had dropped his phone in the sink and it died...plus his RL has been an absolute nightmare lately. I had thought for sure things had finally started to settle down somewhat, but it seems they've only managed to get worse for him. Now I feel like a complete ass for not trusting him...again.
I talked to my sister for quite a bit tonight, we worked out a lot of our drama and hopefully we're moving past it. I know she loves me and I love my sister - she's family and that means the world to me.
No sooner did I finish my talk with my sister and Royce txt's me. Reminding me why I love this man -
"Royce: Nite sexy
Me: Night lover - sweet dreams
Royce: You ok out there?
Me: I'm better knowing you're there. Got a bit panicked when I didn't hear from you, but I'm ok now.
Royce: I'm sorry...damnit grr, grr...Aaaaaaaarrrrrhhhhhhh
Me: Baby, it's ok...I didn't know your phone was out of commission, it happens, I'm ok. :)
Royce: Am I an asshole?
Me: No baby, .... I am.
Royce: I miss u
Me: miss u more
Royce: nope, but we'll take that under advisement. Muwah."
How can I not love this guy? He's going through his own personal hell and he takes the time to make sure I'm ok, that I know I'm loved and that he wants to be with me. How can I take that for granted?
Yes, he really is so much different from anyone I've dated in SL. He's real, honest, straightforward and so caring.
Its kind of funny when I look back at the guy I first met and the impression he gave. He came off as such an asshole, totally in it for his own personal gratification and nothing more. He had several alts that he used for RP'ing (as RP'ers do) but we all know those with several alts also tend to be liars. They're practiced at becoming several different characters and not one of them is the "real" person.
But something also always said there was something different about him. He was always upfront with me. We were able to talk one on one without all the BS. We dropped our facades and were able to just be ourselves with each other. Something I think always bugged the crap out of his ex. But he went through hell with her, so much so that it eventually caused him to leave SL. He encouraged me to find someone who would care about me and he thought I had with Daethsyn. But he kept stopping in to check on me. Always sneaking in on one of his alts and popping into my IM's, scaring the shit out of me usually! lol - but even so, he cared enough to make sure I knew it was him and that I knew he was always looking out after me. Eventually when Daethsyn and I parted ways once and for all Royce was there to comfort me. He was a real friend letting me vent, cry, throw fits and bitch to. He knew what I'd gone through because he'd been there himself.
So when we started dating I was still in a state of disbelief. I guess in a way I still am.
The one man I knew in my heart I'd compared everyone else to and thought for sure I'd never be lucky enough to be with...and now...I am with him. ...and he's everything I'd hoped for and more...but I still have these panic attacks. I self-sabotage on a fairly regular basis and there he is, letting me get through it until I clear enough away to see him there waiting for me. Always with love.
How can I ever deserve him? He's so good for me, good to me. He cares about me like no other ever has. He wishes he was able to have the time to be there like he used to so he could be with me. I know how much I wish he could too, but I also understand he's not able to anymore and I accepted that when we started dating. Sometimes I do wonder if I accepted yet another compromise just so I wouldn't feel lonely, but then I realize no, it was a compromise so I could feel genuine love and joy.
There are acceptable compromises and unacceptable compromises. Accepting Daethsyn's lies and ignoring me most of the time was an unacceptable compromise. Accepting that Royce's RL situation no longer allows him to be in SL as much as he used to be at one time, but that he wishes he could just so he could be with me....that is an acceptable compromise. Knowing when he does login he's there to be with me, for me, not to RP or screw around like he used to, but genuinely there for me. Knowing we talk and txt because he cares, hearing him ask why I don't txt him during the day - I don't because I hate to interrupt his RL - but that he misses me and wants to know I'm with him even if he's not "there" for me at the moment. That's real. That's something that can't be faked or made up. It's not a character flaw or User ID. That's real, honest care. Something I'm just not used to and it's taking me a while to trust in it, in him.
So this episode of "Jussy panics for no reason" has been extinguished with love and caring honesty by this incredible man who loves me regardless.
I'm so not worthy of his love, but I'm working on it. :)
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